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I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Is this a threat?
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.