I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Plant care tips
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.