I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP