My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Just ordered me some pizza!
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Note to self: always read the final line
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.