That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.