found this cool rock hiking today
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Still my favourite meme.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
i think both sides are to blame here
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired