If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.