REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I already tried new things thanks.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.