Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit