Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.