Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
how to have fun when you’re poor
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol