Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
You Might Also Like
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.