Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.