*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.