Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
And now we wait
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.