[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
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If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
welp
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*