If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Mood.. 😂
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English