Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?