*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“I wouldn’t.”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level