I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I only eat vegetarians.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said