Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Nothing.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.