Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
That took me a moment.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.