The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.