The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
i’m still crying at this
do horses think humans are hats
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”