Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
RT if you could go either way.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.