Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
This came to me in a dream.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.