“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
2023 was just a warmup
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.