[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Huge”.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Put a ring on it
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.