I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
@funTweeters
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Oh. My. God.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
How all things should be taught/explained.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry