*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician