Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me trying to reach for my goals
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
The Backseat Boys
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-