Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..