hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Meow?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied