My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
You Might Also Like
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking