Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
our love story in four pictures
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
o shit
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
This is amazing.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?