When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.