I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
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Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
spicy snake
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.