So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Camping tip: No.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]