I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
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Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.