mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
i actually laughed 😩
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.