DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
These work great until they don’t.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!