Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
You Might Also Like
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.