I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.