me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!