Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
seems fine
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far