[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
No laws when master is gone
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes