Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.