I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security