Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
You Might Also Like
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
this came to me in a vision
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House