Harsh but fair
You Might Also Like
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’